True Story - Lucius or the Ass by Lucian

Author:Lucian
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Alma Books
Published: 2018-08-09T14:05:05+00:00

As we had still failed to find any food, someone suggested that we should make do with the prisoners, but I would not allow it and insisted on keeping them alive, until eventually the enemy sent ambassadors to discuss terms for their repatriation – at least we gathered that this was what they meant, though they could not do anything but point at the prisoners and moo pathetically. So we handed them over in exchange for a lot of cheese, some dried fish, some onions and four three-legged deer. The latter had the usual number of back legs, but only one in front.

We stayed there for the rest of that day, and the following morning put to sea again. Before long there were various indications that we were approaching land – fish swimming closer to the surface, birds flying about and so on. Shortly afterwards, we saw some men practising a most unusual form of navigation, which might be called “paddling your own canoe”, except that you are the canoe, and there is no need to paddle. I will tell you how it is done. You float on your back in the water, elevate the appropriate organ – which in their case is surprisingly large – to an angle of ninety degrees, attach a sail to this improvised mast and go scudding along before the wind, holding the sheet in one hand.

Then we saw some other people sitting on corks and being drawn along by dolphins, harnessed together in pairs. They seemed perfectly friendly and not at all nervous, for they drove straight up to us and inspected our ship from every possible angle, having apparently never seen such a thing before.

That evening we landed on another small island, which appeared to be inhabited exclusively by women. They greeted us in our own language, shook us warmly by the hands and kissed us. They were all young and pretty, and most attractively dressed in long flowing garments which reached right down to the ground. They told us that the island was called Noholdsbarred, and the town itself Waterbitch, and each of them asked one of us to spend the night with her.

I could not help feeling that there was something fishy about this arrangement, so before following my hostess indoors I took a quick look round – and came across a large pile of human bones and skulls!

Well, I did not want to raise the alarm just yet, but I got out my mallow and prayed to it earnestly – for if this was not a “time of danger” I did not know what was. A few minutes later, as my hostess was bustling about the kitchen getting dinner ready, I spotted that she had donkey’s hooves instead of ordinary feet. I immediately drew my sword, grabbed hold of her and tied her up securely, and then subjected her to a thorough cross-examination. At first she refused to say anything, but in the end she confessed that she belonged to a species of mermaid known as Assfeetida, which lives on a diet of human flesh.

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